vorfreudde:

you know how people lose their virginity, im like gaining it

merricats:

oldmanhoho:

you know you’ve made a good pun when everyone’s immediate response upon hearing it is “shut the fuck up”

#the highest compliment any pun can receive

internetexplorers:

we could be married with like 4 kids and i’d still be too scared to text you first

snowmiserr:

one time I was working at Dolly Parton’s water park as a photographer in the lazy river, and taking pictures and what not and I look up and see this very familiar black man floating in a tube toward me. 
and it is Akon.  So I’m like ‘hey Akon would you like a picture with your family today?’ He is all like ‘no thank you sweetie’ and I was all “well you have a good day, Akon” 
he said you too and floated on.  

one-hamburger:

Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality

tardisity:

The oldest person alive was born on April 19, 1897, meaning that April 18th, 1897 was approximately the last time the Earth was inhabited by an entirely different set of people and if you don’t think that’s the realist shit ever then you can get right on outta town.

saddumbgirl:

idk if you say possesive things like “you’re mine” i get all melty and weird and will probably fall in love with you 

clubpenguln:

a haiku about my life

i like you a lot

a whole whole whole whole whole lot

now i am crying